Marrying in Thailand - Scratching the Marriage Itch

It's the stuff of dreams. The fantasy may begin with a mental image of an idyllic beach, or maybe a jungle hideaway.

The weather is always warm and the beer always cold. No traffic, telephones or insurance peddlers. "Crime" consists of the poaching of a coconut or two off the plantation down the road.

 The B'wana Syndrome

May be the the phase which immediately follows "The Itch". The B'wana Syndrome, or BS for short, puts one in a hammock, beer in hand. Your lovely sarong clad maiden, complete with flowers in her hair, alternates humming an enchanting melody, refilling your beer glass, massaging your shoulders, planning an 8 course dinner and suggesting a number of lascivious activities.

She is young, dark and smoldering with passion, as you are the only man she has ever "known".

The Call to Action

The Heineken ad on the tube jolts B'wana back to reality. All he sees is a pile of dirty clothes in the corner and smells the garbage he didn't take out yesterday. His surge of activity knocks a stack of mail off the end table; utility and credit card bills mixed with junk mail packets.

B'wana logs on to the Internet, brings up Google and searches, "retiring in paradise".

Paradise has to be cheap, safe and easygoing ... and have lots or pretty girls who will marry someone their grandfather's age.

B'wana surf 'til the wee hours, his internet research teasing with suggestions, promises, opinions, offers. Which country? When? Why? How?

Soul searching leads to determination and as day breaks we find B'wana finalizing that booking for Thailand. After all, the hotels are cheap, the women are lovely, you don't need fleece lined boots and the food ain't half bad.

Look out, Bangkok! Here I come!

 The First Step

This is where B'wana gets a first tasted of reality. He can't understand a bloody word being uttered. Lots of small attractive people are unreasonably polite and speaking in some tongue that his subconscious tells him is english, but he still can't make out what they are saying.

The trip through immigration and customs is fairly painless. B'wana has been smart enough to reserve a hotel and has read about finding the correct taxi queue. But as he is whizzing along the toll way toward his new life, he has a sobering thought. He has reached the end of his tenuous string of knowledge.

Then the taxi drive suggests, "I have sister, she good lady."

Reality